


AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED (AKA What Happens In The Universe Frog...)

by AndaisQ (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Anal Sex, Edging, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mind control (consensual), Oral Sex, Post-Game(s), Xeno, Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-20
Updated: 2012-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-31 11:38:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AndaisQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look at the title. Everyone fucks like randy weasels, everything is sex and nothing hurts, et cetera et cetera.</p><p>In case you hadn't guessed because you are blind or some manner of of lichen, this is going to be NOT SAFE FOR WORK.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The characters are all roughly 18 Terran years old due to Time Shenanigans (except Dave, who is about 24 due to same, and Jade, who has existed for at least a million years from her own perspective). They won the game, and are now living in separate paradisaical corners of their frog.
> 
> None of the main characters but Eridan are dead; why, you ask? Because much as I love my dear hipsterfag Eri, I can not defy my headcanon that he will always be FOREVVER ALONE(.jpg) in every universe, ever.
> 
> During ~EROTIC~ or ~EPIC~ moments the narration will switch from second-person to third-person in italics.
> 
> Yes, it does run on a command structure. You guys will not be providing the commands, sorry.  
> 

  


Your name is John Egbert. You sort of turn 18 today (Time Shenanigans are involved so no one's quite sure what age to consider themselves, but physical/mental age seems to work), and you are very much looking forward to it. This is because, acknowledging a grand old American tradition known as the Age of Consent (now irrelevant since America doesn't exist anymore, but whatever), you are finally going to have sex with your alien boyfriend Karkat. Buckets are apparently involved in some way, you're not quite sure how that works.

Since you are so confused about the whole thing, and since it is a _surprise_ , so you can't ask him directly, duh, you have decided to ask the most knowledgeable and analytical of your friends what to do. This person is Bec Noir.

==>

Ha ha ha. No, of course it isn't. Bec Noir is dead, and he was evil and you hated him. It's ROSE. You're going to talk to Rose. The conversation will be awkward, but it is necessary. You must be able to pleasantly surprise Karkat, no matter what.

Man, this really is going to be ridiculously awkward.

> John: Have ridiculously awkward conversation.

ectoBiologist (EB) began pestering tentacleTherapist (TT) at 5:44 PM.  
EB: hi rose!  
TT: Hello, John. Happy birthday!  
EB: thanks, pal.  
EB: friend.  
EB: buddy  
EB: palfriend.  
EB: friendbuddy.  
TT: Stop all this nonsense immediately.  
TT: So how's it been in your little slice of paradise?  
EB: well, i've been pretty good really!  
EB: karkat is fine too.  
TT: That's nice.  
EB: so...  
TT: Yes?  
EB: there's a reason i messaged you.  
TT: Inexplicably, I suspected as such despite your typical idiom of talking to me for no purpose whatsoever. /sarcasm  
TT: Perhaps it's my magnificent Seer powers.  
TT: Actually, no, that much is blindingly obvious.  
TT: What my magnificent Seer powers are telling me is that you're going to ask what troll mating entails and what it means for you and Karkat.  
EB: well...  
EB: well, yes!  
EB: thank you for your understanding, because this is really very awkward.  
TT: Happy to help. I figured it out a hell of a lot earlier in my blackrom with Equius, but then again I'm sometimes almost more about the comprehension of mechanics than the game itself.  
EB: um, rose, i really do not want to hear about your mechanics!  
EB: or equius's!  
EB: ever!  
TT: Oh, you can just hush. I'm only telling you to try to help you and your relationship, especially in the "not dying" department.

==>

EB: what?!  
TT: First, troll sex is pretty much like human sex.  
TT: You know what that involves, right? I don't have to explain it to you?  
EB: well, i've seen some stuff on the internet that seems pretty accurate.  
TT: Well, I'll send you the Dave/Tavros video just to make sure.  
TT: They know what they're doing.  
EB: i pray to your obscene horrorterror gods that you are joking.  
TT: Of course.  
TT: (Also, if you'll recall, we _killed_ my "obscene horrorterror gods".)  
TT: It's actually of your future self and future Karkat.  
EB: !  
EB: oh, this is rampant silliness. i don't know or care whether or not you're telling the truth at this point. now, you said something about death?  
TT: Listen, you don't want to know how I found this out, but what "bone bulge" actually means is that there's a column of bone contained within...it.  
EB: ...gah!  
TT: Now, I don't know how much you know about biology and anatomy, but humans don't have those. Our bodies are not adapted to accommodate them.  
TT: The way the trolls deal with it is basically that, their reproductive orifice (which both genders possess, by the way) is incredibly resilient and linear. Our orifices are decidedly not.  
TT: It would basically impale us, with death almost certainly to follow.  
EB: ...  
TT: Now, death by accidental sex-impalement obviously does not count as "heroic" or "just", so it isn't permanent, but dying is still pretty damn unpleasant.  
TT: Especially that way, as I discovered through personal experience.  
EB: eurgh. please stop.  
TT: However, what is relevant to you beyond scarring you for life-  
TT: which I will admit is a nice bonus-  
TT: is that I have discovered a way to bypass the whole issue.  
EB: thank you so much for not telling me that earlier, before the trauma.  
EB: much appreciated!  
TT: Well, I did have to impress upon you how serious it would be if you didn't do exactly as I am about to instruct you.  
EB: whatever! can you please tell me what you were going to tell me so that i can go back to never thinking about you and equius ever again?  
EB: or your untimely death by sex-impalement.  
EB: jegus, i did not need to know!  
TT: Well, being a sort-of-wizard and all, I have magic.  
EB: brilliant!  
TT: Quiet, you. I realized that I would have to construct a spell, or item, that would prevent the thrusts from  
EB: please just tell me how to do this and stop talking about it.  
EB: forever, if at all possible.  
TT: It's a magic condom. It makes you not die from terrifyingly fucked-up alien anatomy. Is this simple enough for you?  
EB: um.  
EB: yes.  
EB: but...  
TT: Conveniently, being a Seer, I already knew that you don't actually know how to use a condom. I have thus graciously included an instructional video, made with what I choose to interpret as the express consent of Equius. You can watch either that one or the one with your future selves.  
EB: may i just say that your sort-of-rape hatesex romance with the weird classist/racist dude is massively disturbing?  
EB: thanks, though!  
TT: Honestly, John, your boyfriend is a troll too. I would think that you'd be a bit more accepting of his culture.  
EB: the non-rapey parts, yes. you saw how i said "jegus" a while back? cultural sensitivity at its finest!  
EB: i've started referencing troll terminology and culture so he feels less lonely for his dead civilization.  
TT: How nice.  
TT: Well, it's been a delightful conversation.  
TT: Wait, I almost forgot: There's another type that you yourself will need to use the other way around.  
EB: huh? why?  
TT: Well, their biology is based on the  
EB: okay, i don't actually want to know.  
EB: ever.  
TT: The point of that lecture was going to be that without this it would sever your  
EB: SHUT UP  
EB: PLEASE, GOD  
TT: All right, I guess I'll talk to you later. Don't get yourself killed with alien sex, alright? If you do, I will not hesitate to mock you for the rest of our theoretically immortal lives once you resurrect.  
EB: will do!  
ectoBiologist (EB) ceased pestering tentacleTherapist (TT) at 5:52 PM. 

> Be Rose.

You are now Rose! Not that you ever weren't Rose. (Except when you were a horrorterror.)

> [S] Rose: Laugh evilly.

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Not that you actually have anything to laugh about. You just feel like laughing, and evil laughter is also a very convenient way to drain Grimdark urges.

Plus, Kanaya likes it.

> ♥

Yes, Kanaya, your...matesprit? You guess? She's definitely your girlfriend, at least. You are not certain where you, as a slightly altered human, interact with the quadrants of their weird-ass romance system, but she's definitely associated with positive emotions and sex/romance for you, so you're probably closest to matesprits.

She is sort of the vampire reincarnation of the troll Virgin Mary who wields a demon lipstick chainsaw into battle and once kicked an evil possessed clown in the crotch, off a cliff.

She is wonderful and you pretty much love her, forever.

(Also you frequently have hot pseudo-lesbian sex, which is quite pleasant.)

> ♠

Equius, on the other hand, you loathe. That stupid, musclebound, racist, classist, masochist- UGH! Your feelings regarding him are almost as strong as those for Kanaya. That includes attraction, oddly enough. He is sexy, especially when somewhat battered.

You alone among the humans are capable of truly understanding kismesis, possibly because of the changes made to your brain chemistry by the Lords of the Outer Ring. Therefore, you consider yourself to be a more complete and stable person, which is highly debatable since you are not actually a troll, and therefore have no reason whatsoever to even attempt to understand their crazy brains.

Anyway, your "relationship" is basically an extended feud centered around directly attacking, ambushing, and backstabbing each other at every turn, with a good deal of winner->loser sort-of-rape mixed in. You only enjoy it when you win, but you tend to win, so you're not complaining.

It is highly disturbing to pretty much everyone else, including other trolls.

> Get up from the computer and look out the window.

You're not at a computer; you're using your scarf! Every article of clothing you possess can act as a portable computing device and Internet hub. This is at Jade's insistence.

Jade is a bit strange, especially now that it's a few thousand years (for her) between your conversations.

What were you thinking about, again?

> Go look out the goddamn window, alright?

Fine. You look out the window at your paradise.

> Gaze in awe.

Yes, yes, it's all very pretty. LOSAK, a whole planet full of sunlight and kittens and slavering hordes of the undead, just for the two of you.

Wait, what's that sound?

==>

A sort of creaking noise - the door has opened!

==>

A SHADOWY FIGURE has entered the room!

> [S] STRIFE!

_Rose leaps to her feet, one of her less powerful wands in hand, and blasts a lightning-fast spear of eldritch power at the interloper. (She can generate the eldritch on her own, now that she has all the power of the Horrorterrors and more, and it's just so convenient to use, and it drains off the Grimdark. With the eldritch, the evil laughter, and the occasional monologue in the emptiness of space, she's nearly as light-hearted as her friends.)  
The majykk, flashing towards the intruder, suddenly warps around them and grounds itself in the floor, producing a large scorch mark. Rose recognizes the symbol formed by the deflection charm and puts one hand over her face. Kanaya pulls back her hood and raises one eyebrow, a half-smile on her blood-smeared lips._

Whoops, it's actually your alien girlfriend.

Sorry, Kanaya!

> [S] SEDUCE!

_" Sorry, Kani. I didn't think you were coming home until tonight." Rose flushes slightly. "You seemed pretty excited about that infestation of horn-shamblers."  
"I suppose that I should have informed the seer that I was coming. Is your oracular crystal broken, or something to that effect?" Kanaya smirks, then looks slightly more serious. "It is all right. They were easier to vanquish than I had anticipated, that is all. How are you? I have been away somewhat more than usual lately."  
Rose smiles wickedly. "Well, it's been terribly difficult but I've had to survive somehow despite your heartrending absence. Ohh!" She feigns a swoon. "I fear my vascular muscle may burst with joy at seeing you once more after that cruelest circumstance of our parting!"  
Kanaya's luminescent face has gone impassive and uncertain. "I am unable to determine if that is sarcasm. Please assist me."  
Rose's black little heart melts with bright, flushed red at that doubting, hopeful tone in Kanaya's voice. She cannot hope to best Kanaya Maryam in a cute-off. She is simply the best there is.  
"Well, that was a bit of an advanced sample. It was doubly recursive in its irony; the ironic tone was itself a deeper layer over a genuine core." At her matesprit's blank face, she holds out her arms for a hug and clarifies, "The underlying emotion was sincerely felt."  
The troll's face lights up in a figurative as well as literal sense, and she moves forward to accept her prize-hug. She embraces her lover and growls contentedly.  
She slips off her cloak and unlaces her dark green dress (nearly black, though that might be blood), but stops before she removes her undergarments. She looks at an empty spot on the ceiling, somewhat disgruntled._

Kanaya would really prefer if the POV would go away first, as she feels somewhat awkward with people reading about her having sex.

> Fine, fine.

Kanaya thanks the POV graciously, then gets back to work.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some of you are probably wondering why the old version got deleted and this one was reposted. It is because I AM DERP, FOREVER. I am so sorry, guys.
> 
> How it happened: I had a draft of the chapter I was about to post. I wanted to delete the draft for whatever reason. Instead, I deleted the entire story. At least AO3 sends that backup-with-HTML when you delete something...thank you so much. Good website, best archive.
> 
> This does give me an opportunity to fix up some lackluster formatting, though! Joy, rapture.


	2. Chapter 2

  


> Be John.

You are now John! Rose's advice probably will help you a lot, even though she was a bit too gleeful in giving it.

Look, you've received a package from her!

It's probably that silly stuff she said she'd send.

==>

Ooh, tongue twister! You waste several minutes saying it over and over again.

> OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT

Alright, fine! Jegus.

Yup. Magic condoms and...oh dear.

==>

It actually is of your future selves.

Karkat is not going to be happy. He hates that bastard.

> Read inscription on nanodisc.

_ TO PAST ME: FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. THE ONLY REASON I'M SENDING THIS IS TO KEEP THE TIME LOOP STABLE.  
FUTURE KARKAT (AKA PRESENT KARKAT AKA REAL KARKAT)_

_ kat, stop being such a dick to past you! do i have to call in jade to help auspisticize between your selves?  
anyway, past me, i know it's going to be really really awkward watching the future-us video, but it's okay because then you get to have sex! it is extremely pleasant, as you may have been informed. have fun! *wink*   
_

Future You is a pretty cool guy.

> Watch future-self's pornographic video.

You place the DVD in the relevant drive on your glasses and the viewscreens built into the lenses flicker to life.

_" Alright," says John nervously, still trying to properly position the camera before realizing that it's magic, so he doesn't need to. "The first thing we'll want to do is...darn it." He blushes a bit and starts to take off his shirt. "Well, um, the **first** thing we'll want to do is get our clothes off. After that, the first thing is, um- "_

_" Jegus, Egbert, you are a complete incompetent," snarls Karkat from the bed. The camera turns to him automatically. He is naked, but his crotch is covered by some kind of bright red shell. "You forgot to take your clothes off before you started your time-paradox educational porn?"_

_The human whines, shirt off, " Hey, this is all really difficult and confusing, so you can just shut up! I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole concept of having sex on camera, and-"_

_" Yeah, I know, it's hard and nobody understands. Get out of my matesprit's brain, Eridan." He thinks about that and shudders. "Isn't that a charming thought. Can we just do it already, before I come up with anything else to completely kill my mating fondness?"_

_John is now naked except for his tented boxers. He slides them off and his erection bounces against his stomach. He bends down and kisses Kat very thoroughly, massaging the bases of his horns as he does so. When he's done, his boyfriend looks dazed. " The first thing to do after the clothes are off is shut Kat up." He smirks._

_" Once that's accomplished and he's too blissed-out to do anything, you have to apply the condom. Now, that horn-rubbing I just did was an important part of the application process. You have to do that to loosen the protective plate around the bulge." He pauses. "Well, typically condom application doesn't involve that, but mostly humans are applying them to humans, so there's no plate to loosen."_

_" Get. On. With. It." growls the troll. It is sexy as hell, especially considering his red face._

_" Alright, so now that the plate is loosened - maybe a bit more, actually, just to be sure-" They make out some more. "-we can remove it. Now, this may look slightly freaky when you first get to it. Don't worry, you'll get used to it." He hooks his long pianist's fingers into the seam between K's skin and the bony covering. He pries it off, apparently with quite a bit of resistance. Then a wash of red comes pouring out, and he stares in horror and screams like a girl._

> Freak out.

Yes, you are still John watching your future self. The narration has merely changed to be more conducive to erotica.

Also, WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

_" The fuck are you doing, Egbert?" Karkat looks irritated at the harshing of his buzz. "It's just the preparatory genetic flood, you've seen it a thousand fucking times."_

_John is laughing so hard it looked hard for him to breathe. " Sorry, I just couldn't resist maxing my Prankster's Gambit against my past self!"_

FUTURE EGBEEEEEERT!!!!!

You cannot hope to best your future self in a temporal prank-off. You will simply be the best there is.

_" Are you done fucking around? I am about to fucking explode, and not in the fun way. "_

_John endures Kat's griping with a fond smile. He tweaks the horns again, eliciting another deep vibrating growl, and says, " Now we apply the condom itself."_

_He picks up a black-and-lilac box and opens it as he speaks, taking out a smallish object. " The thing to understand is that this is not like a normal 'you won't get pregnant and die' type rubber." He holds it up. It looks somewhat odd and vaguely eldritch, but in a sexy way. "The whole condom thing is sort of a misnomer, really. It's more like a ring. That you put on his alien penis-tentacle thing." He turns back to K's groin, from which the fluid has drained, leaving it slick but clearly visible. The camera focuses on it, because Rose knows how to please her audience._

> Pause the video. Describe alien anatomy in unnecessary detail.

No level of detail can be unnecessary in the description of alien anatomy!

==>

First of all, it is enormous. Seriously, it is kind of terrifyingly large and you really hope the magic condom deals with that, because you're pretty sure that would impale you even without having its own freaking spine.

==>

Second, it's not especially...human-looking. It's pretty much just a smooth tentacle with a hole in the top. You can see the backbone through the skin, which is candy-apple red. There is no hair anywhere near it. The combined effect of all this is ridiculous and somewhat disturbing, yet inexplicably hot.

==>

Third, he has massive balls. They are, and this is in no way hyperbolic, the size of large oranges. You suppose that makes sense, since they have to fill half of a bucket with genetic material, but dang. (They are also red, matching the shaft.)

==>

You are bizarrely turned on by all this. You feel the urge to jump through the viewscreen and go at it, but a) that would be extremely rude to your future self, and b) viewscreens do not work that way.

You unpause the video.

_" Now that you've gotten a good long look at Karkat's equipment, I'm going to show you how to actually put on protection." John takes the ring in his fingers and examines it to make sure it's unbroken (an unnecessary step in this context, since nothing Rose makes can be broken, but one that would not be good to miss on the standard model). He places it on the tip of the anatomical wonder and rolls it down carefully. Nothing happens until it reaches the base, where it shimmers and renders the crotch in a more symbolic manner._

_John smiles brightly. " That's better. We can now be properly introduced!"_

The implement itself is less terrifyingly huge, though it is still large, and the spheres hanging from it have only changed their color and apparent texture (they are still the size of fruit). It is pink and fleshy and human.

You feel relieved, yet somehow disappointed.

You are kind of fucked up.

_John turns back to the camera. " Now we get to the really fun part. Since this mighty organ can no longer destroy me, I can now do anything with it that I would with any other guy. Like...this." He breathes on the flesh, and his lover hisses at the increased sensitivity of his soft, newly human skin. "Or this." He nibbles on the foreskin. A foot lashes out instinctively and smashes a lamp offscreen._

_" Egbert, you human bastard, enough torture!" K snarls. In response John grins, brings his head lower, and licks the smooth red-tinted grey thigh to the crease where it joins the rest of his body._

_The Knight of Blood has had enough. He picks up his matesprit under the arms, lifts him bodily into the air, and sits him down in his lap. " YOU ARE EITHER GOING TO INITIATE MATING RIGHT-FUCKING-NOW OR OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL ABRUPTLY WAX CALIGINOUS. EITHER WAY, I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU."_

_The human gets the point, but turns back to the camera for a moment, speaking rapidly and nervously. " Okay, the fact that he's started talking like that in that voice means that stuff needs to start going his way immediately or there will be unfortunate consequences, well, unfortunate at your stage, not so much later, but that's beside the point, the point is start working quickly if and whe **EEEEK!** " He squeals as Karkat, his entire body briefly flushing red, spasms upward. "Alright, alright, sex now!_

_He removes a small pot of oil from some extradimensional Modus or another and slicks his fingers with it, babbling somewhat as he does so. " This is going a bit faster than it usually would, but-" a finger slides into his hole, and he draws in a breath "-when it gets like this everything has to go fast because-" another "-well, the mating fondness is more like a berserker rage than anything else, and-" another finger goes in; he scissors them slightly, then apparently decides he's ready enough. "Okay! Now for the main event!"_

_He works as he talks. Twisting around, he grasps Kat's arousal and starts to guide it. He re-thinks his position and turns his back to Karkat so that he has a better view of what he's doing. He places the tip against his hole and slides down onto it slightly. He moans out further instruction. " First, even once you've stretched, don't feel like-ah! Like you have to take it all in at once. Do this sl- **oh** -wly, because your body w-will need time to adjust." He takes in another inch, and there's a purring noise coming from his matesprit's chest. "Ngh, um, so, that noise means he's hap-py! And it feels really, re-eally good! Against your back."_

_He isn't coherent enough to keep educating, so he just continues doing what he's doing. He slides farther and farther down until it's all in. He grins triumphantly, staying there for a moment, then slides up a bit and back down again. The troll joins in, obviously holding back for fear of injuring the eminently breakable human, but still thrusting._

_This can't go on too much longer, since John already spent quite a while teasing him, and they both know it. The thrusts abruptly cease, and Karkat holds John in place while speaking through gritted teeth. " NNG. I'M GOING TO..."_

_John whines at the removal of the active stimulation, but then his eyes widen. " Oh! Okay! On it!" He gets up as quickly as he can without causing injury to either of them. He lets out a groan as the cock leaves him, but he bites his lip and pulls a bucket out of the air. He turns and sets it on the floor._

_Karkat sheds the ring and his member shimmers back to normal. It's pulsing, alternating brighter and deeper red, almost glowing like some obscene retelling of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He grunts and flexes it down to face the opening of the pail. His whole body twitches violently and there's a gushing cascade of candy-apple red pumping out the tip like a fire hose. It continues unabated for almost nine seconds, at which point it slows to a steady flow, then a trickle, the final drops of which are licked up by John. The troll wrinkles his nose at this, clearly disapproving of the perceived perversion._

_" What? It tastes delicious. Like Jolly Ranchers in colloid form!"_

_His matesprit looks at him oddly. " Aren't those some kind of human candy?" A nod. "Ugh! That's fucking revolting! You have a candy, which you feed to your human grubs, which tastes like fucking genetic sludge?!" Egbert looks about to protest, but the troll shakes his head in disgust. "We're done here. Enjoy your paradox porn, horrible past self. I'm out of here."_

A hand reaches out to catch the camerasprite. It fills up your vision and then your glasses are glasses again instead of mini-TVs.

You hate it when you do that. It fucks with your depth perception. You would make a note not to do it again, but you don't want to risk time paradox.

==>

Anyway, that was certainly...informative.

> Look down.

You are currently hard as a fucking rock.

Well isn't this inconvenient.

> John: Fondly regard masturbation.

You'll never get anything done if you don't deal with this first, so you're taking initiative. You reach down and unfasten your jeans, which you fear might break without timely intervention. The button pops out of its buttonhole after some tugging, and the zipper clicks down its track pushed by the inexorably rising erection tenting your boxers. Said erection briefly slips out the fly of said boxers, but you stuff it back in and pull them down properly; you don't want to restrict yourself like that, it gets uncomfortable.

You kick off your shoes and shimmy (humming _Alouette_ semi-consciously as you do so) until your pants are in a crumpled heap on the floor. You cast about for lube, but find none. Well, dry isn't so bad if you don't go too fast. (Chafing, especially _down there_ , is no fun at all. You rank it roughly equivalent to Time Shenanigans in terms of horror.)

You start to leisurely stroke the shaft, feeling a sort of tight warmth gathering in the general vicinity of your crotch, and feel simultaneously relieved and disappointed that this won't last long. You move to cup your balls and use one finger to press on the sensitive little patch of skin between crotch and hole (Dave says it's called a "taint" but that's such an ugly word) and you just

~EXPLODE~

...woo. That was fun.

You're just going to lie here drawing white patterns on your stomach for a while, 'kay?

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are curious/a bit weirded out, John is a bit of a xenophile, in the sexual sense. That works out pretty well for him due to the whole "alien boyfriend" thing. Rose and Dave are okay with their mates' biology, they like it as much as human anatomy, but he's really into it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the chapter that temporarily killed the fic because I'm a moron.

  


> Be Dave to get away from all the smut.

Like that's ever going to happen. You are whirled away into another POV-shift erotic segment.

_Dave maintains his poker face with great difficulty as his long-limbed boyfriend/matesprit traces intricate patterns on his skin. He's using a crow's-feather pen and indigo paint from a small pail-shaped inkwell; the marks just barely raise the skin they scratch over, and he wonders how Makara, usually a graceless lanky stoner, can have such finesse whenever he isn't up in the clouds._

_His nipples go steel-hard and the little nubbins around them turn to stone as the rather pretty floral motif on his chest is finished with a flourish. His cock is harder than he can remember it being since, well, ever; this is readily apparent due to his complete lack of pants. His hard-on sways in the chilly air, dew beading from the tip._

_Dave's line of sight follows the pen backwards and sees that his entire torso is covered with flowery designs. This has been going on for almost half an hour. He grunts behind the cloth gag and tugs at the bonds tying his wrists to his ankles. Not that he wants to **escape,** per se. He just wants to **get on with it.** (He's never been particularly patient in this arena; Gamzee always has, to his dismay.)_

_The painted troll looks up from his work, eyes almost vacant but deceptively wicked. He flashes a fanged smirk up at his canvas. " Sorry, icybro, were you wanting some more pictures? 'Cause I was gonna move down and finish up, but if you want a little paisley around the bulge instead I can deal." Dave's eyes widen and a whimper almost escapes his lips. **He's gone evil again. It's the only answer,** he thinks._

_" Fbgk ng!" Damn Gamzee's bondage fetish._

_" What was that? I couldn't hear you for some reason. I think you might have to speak up, bro. Otherwise I'm probably gonna be drawing that fuckin' paisley for a quarter-hour. I can get pretty absorbed in this shit, you know. It'd be scratch... scratch... slow... and... motherfuckin'... careful..." He raises his left hand, quill loosely cantilevered (and why is he using words like "cantilevered" at a time like this?) from long, elegant fingers. The smirking continues. **Evil. EVIL.**_

_The pen is drawn leisurely along his inner thigh, leaving a purple arc. Agonizingly slow, it doubles back into that curved teardrop shape. Dave bites down on the tie in his mouth. It arrives back at the start, and then the bastard **pushes** it in a bit so that it only just avoids puncturing the skin._

_" JGGSH FKGHNG KHRSH-" Dave's hips buck involuntarily, but Gamzee's hand on the bone just above his crotch holds him down with a strength belied by his coat-hanger figure._

_**Okay, this just isn't going to work.** He resigns himself to a sore jaw tomorrow and through some impressive facial gymnastics, displaces the gag to sit around his neck. " Christ on a crutch, just do it already!"_

_The leer widens to almost frightening proportions. " Oh, so you want to move ahead? See, I was just so into all that miraculous ink that I clean forgot you were waiting."_

_" Okay, that's great, that's okay, can we just **move on.** "_

_" sure. WE CAN DO THAT." The purple eyes blaze with power and Dave is consumed by terror. His eyes widen, his heartbeat accelerates to hummingbird speed, his thoughts are full of white noise. He twitches helplessly, trying to escape the nameless, formless dread. He makes a frantic noise and suddenly everything-_

_**shifts.** He remembers he said earlier he'd never been so turned on, but that was **nothing**. The ache of his unattended erection intensifies until he thinks that the passing breeze might make him completely lose it. He feels his cock pulsing, precum dripping from the head like it never has before. It cools quickly in the night air, a steady trickle of clear fluid flowing down his prick, and he practically shoots then and there._

_And then he's terrified and excited, and then he's just so overwhelmed by everything that he actually **is** coming, he can feel it gathering, surging up his shaft, and it sprays out on Gamzee's face, adding itself to the white paint that's already there. Makara chuckles, and stands up, towering over him._

_Now that he's not so distracted, Dave notices that the troll is pretty close to climax, himself. His pupils have dilated so far that his eyes are almost black, and his grin is stretched halfway across his cheeks._

_Dave feels the ropes binding him cut through, makes a note to go back, and reaches up to pull down those ridiculous circus-tent pants. The plate falls off when he first touches it, he doesn't have to hook his fingers behind it or anything, and the purple bulge springs out like a jack-in-the-box, an analogy which he was sure the subjugglator would appreciate if he wasn't quite so occupied._

_He takes the mammoth instrument in one hand and reaches behind it to get to the nook. He feels the opening a few inches behind and starts toying with it, simultaneously cinching his hand tightly around the bulge and pulling steadily forward. He hears a deep growl in which he can still detect the traces of honking, and smirks. **Still got it.**_

_He feels the flesh under his hands tensing, sees the color deepening and brightening in pattern, and it fills up with almost half a pint (he'd measured it once) of freezing-cold goo. It surges out and covers his face, filling up his mouth, and keeps on coming until it's coated his entire torso. He keeps from moaning, because although that grape flavor is incredible, it would be **extremely uncool** to moan when he's not fucking or even being fucked. (Plus, it's entirely possible he'd choke. There's a lot of it.)_

_Gamzee starts swaying, and Dave wrenches himself out of his comfortable stupor to control the fall. The lanky troll collapses on top of him and starts snoring loudly, spent and somewhat dehydrated. His human lover sighs and grudgingly cradles him. He'll fix everything later: cut the ropes, keep everyone away from the spot, clean up, get them back to their chamber in the palace. For now, he'll just get some sleep._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a plot. There no longer is. The story is now just a big ol' bucket of random smut, because I have no capacity to write long stories. The Jade chapter has been Orwellianly removed because it was eye-searingly awful.


End file.
